relationships and compatibility
The first thing any person keys into when meeting another person who may be a potential significant other is their appearance. While many other factors usually come to play a much more important role in whether two people become committed partners, the first impression is physical attraction. However, that is just enough to get us started and is not enough in and of itself to keep us together. The divorce rate (which does not include breakups of long term unmarried relationships) illustrates how tough it really is to stay together
Therefore, the questions are why do we break up so often, and what can
we do about it?
The first step may be the hardest, which is getting to know who you
really are. By this I mean, do you really know what your basic
undeniable needs are when it comes to your current or potential
significant other. Ask yourself, what are the top five personality traits that
I must have in a partner. I refer to these as "Needs". In other words if
any one of these are missing it is a deal breaker eventually, and you
know it. You cannot try to minimize any of these based on some other factor(s) such as attractiveness, sexual attraction, finances, or the
like.
However, physical attraction is usually the first element in bringing
people together so an attractive well groomed appearance is always
recommended in your search for a long term partner. With obesity on the
rise in the US, finding the right way to lose weight for you, can be a
challenge if weight is a problem.
There, of course, can be more than five Needs, but I have found out that
people, when put on the spot, are not prepared to provide even five
Needs
personality requirements and be able to rank them in importance. They
often can
come up with characteristics about the person, such as financially
stable, attractive, fun loving, within a certain age range, good sexual
partner, intelligent, like to travel, etc.
Unfortunately, all too often, these characteristics generally are not
sufficient to support a long term loving relationship. Hence the high
divorce and
relationship breakup rate in America. When I see high profile Hollywood
marriages, followed by divorce, I often wonder what was the basis for
their marriage? Given the swiftness of the beginning of the relationship
to the point of marriage, it often looks like an eventual train wreck
waiting to happen. It takes time to get to know someone and without a
solid foundation, little has lasting power.
What I have discovered over the years, is that we take certain things
for
granted about people who may become our significant other leading to
certain
assumptions. We then enter a relationship, perhaps on a lets see basis,
to determine if the other person is truly compatible based on their
behavior.
This "lets see" stage often goes on for quite a while which
usually strengthens the relationship unless truly incompatible traits
become the basis for breaking up. At some point someone says, "What are
we doing?" and a decision has to be made whether to make a commitment.
At this time, however, it should not have been a question of what are we
doing, but I have gotten to know you better and you meet my basic Needs as
well as many of my less important needs. These
personality traits
are things that generally do not change in a
person
such as kindness, sense or humor, able to give and receive love,
understanding, open
minded, etc.
What are these less important needs and what is the difference
between
them and my Needs you may ask. Well, the less important needs are
those that you would like to see in a significant other, but are not
deal killers in and of themselves. Generally, I recommend that you think
of five such characteristics as well. These needs if not present would
not necessarily eventually lead to divorce or breaking up. These less
important needs I refer to "Likes". These Likes are generally things
that if not part of that person's personality you can find elsewhere.
For example, if your partner is a movie buff most of the time, and you
are an outdoor sports enthusiast, golfer, swimmer, etc, you can do those
things with friends and be satisfied. However, if you Must Have your
partner participate in such activities, it should not be a want but a
must even though your partner could be replaced in order for you to
enjoy some company while engaged in your favorite activities.
Generally, I recommend that people keep the Needs to things
that
cannot be replaced by other friendships or familial relationships. If
your significant other is a very serious person and you require a sense
of humor in your partner, hanging out with humorous friends will not
replace your need for your partner to share humor with you.
Of course, no one can say what is critical for you, but you must do
some real soul searching without taking anything for granted about a
potential partner. when we are dating and not living with the person,
what we generally see is the best side of the person. Indeed, one couple
I know who have defined their relationship as a live apart life style,
have happily lived together and have been "together" and faithful for
over a decade happily.
However, although I do not preach living together as an absolute
pre-cursor to determining if a potential partner is compatible, it can
be useful but not necessarily determinative. I have often seen people
change once they marry as in the back of the person's mind, they think
it was alright for my boyfriend or girlfriend to do or not do X, Y, or
Z, but surely not my husband or wife. Our expectations often change once
a full commitment has been made, but it is best to have already
discussed and agreed on what changes in the relationship are expected if
any.
In summary, it is strongly recommended that people engage in some
serious introspection about your Must Haves and your Like to Haves to
determine
what personality traits of a partner will give you the best chance for
success. Of course your potential partner should ask the same questions
of themselves. If you have all your Needs taken care of and three
or four of Like to haves, then consider going for it. You will have a
must better chance of a successful, loving long term relationship.
